Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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