i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize