my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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