I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
