3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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