Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
