Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
