Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
