Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
