i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Randomize
