I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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