...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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