Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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