i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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