i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
