We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize