I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
