i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
