When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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