for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
