Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize