Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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