Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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