I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Alive.
So much puke
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
