Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
