There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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