yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
