i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize