im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
