You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
