Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
