Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
