I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
