his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
