i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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