There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize