I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
