tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
