I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
