Whod you bang
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
