Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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