I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
