Swine flu. Run for my life!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
