I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
