if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
