Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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