never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Dicks are not precious.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I had to cum in my sink.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
