Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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