I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
