one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
