It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
