Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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