theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
