He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
