Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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