I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
worst night to have a conscience
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
