Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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