it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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