took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
