yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
