Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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