I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
