how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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