haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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